I’m thinkin of starting something here… Adventures of a fictional guy (whom i’m feeling too lazy to name, so i’ll be writing in first person). The situations he gets into are inspired by real-life events, stories or just plain,made-up. The Idea for this particular one came to me after reading an sms… Hope you like it. 😀 Comments are appreciated!
🙂                                                                                        

I really loved this girl. I saw her for the first time when i was in jail for my first fight. She was there, occupying the cell opposite me. Our eyes met, and it was love at first sight. Or rather, love at first fight. Same thing. Anyway, her swollen face looked really pretty, and when she batted her blackened eyes, she simply took my heart away. I tried talking to her, but something stopped me. It wasn’t my heart or anything, but i was beaten up so bad, that i couldn’t talk at all. All i could do was smile and drool. I tried doing that in as romantic a way as possible.

Finally, after a fortnight in jail, staring at those blood shot eyes, i realized that i was completely in love with her. I proposed to her in sign language(the classic “one-four-three”). She gave me some attitude in sign language.(the classic middle finger) The police inspector told me to shut up in sign language.(he had paan in his mouth)

Finally, when my family saw fit to bail me out, the first thing i did was to search out that girl. Well, make that the second thing. First thing was to get my broken bones mended by a doc. Anyways, i tried searching in all respectable( and non-respectable) places for her. She was not to be found.

Then i stumbled upon a fight taking place in my back yard. They were beating the puberty outta my younger brother. But when i reached there, i was astounded. The girl of my dreams! The way she slapped one of my brother’s friends senseless… Swear words and obscenities falling sweetly from her lips… the thwack of her sandal on a poor man’s skull… seeing all this, i totally forgot about my brother, and stood gazing at her open-mouthed.(it wasn’t a good idea, keeping your mouth open when a fight is in progress… a stone flew through the air and broke one of my newly repaired teeth)

As i stood there, spitting blood outta my mouth, i heard d girl bellow” The **** police is *** here! every*** body run fer their **** lives!!!” I followed. She ran and ran. I ran and ran. She finally sought refuge inside a foul smelling gutter. Jumping down beside her, i said” So wots your answer?”

She turned to look at me, i thought i was done for… But then, she came forward, and kissed me… Being kissed by a very dirty girl, in a muck filled gutter…with rats and mice running around… Could it be anymore romantic?

Anyway… we became a couple from then on. We did everything together, be it stealing cars, or beating someone up.(speaking of beating, i haven’t yet found out wot happened to my brother. any info about an over sized boy, resembling a martian, please report to me.thank u)
Our love grew. But i promised myself, that i loved her truly, deeply. I told myself that i didn’t lust after her body. Which is why, i decided to sleep with her at the very first opportunity.(its the thoughts which count,eh?)

So,anyway… on the decided day of our inter…er…action, she called up n said” Majid! My ****ing darling! Where the *** are u? My ***** of a mom has gone to ****. So the ****ing house is empty! are u coming or not?”
I was speechless at her loving words. I told her that i was on my way. Stopping only to empty an AXE deo onto myself, i left my place, with hope in my eyes and passion in my..err…heart.

When i came to her place, i read the following word of caution on her building wall.
                                                               “BE CAREFUL”
It was like a warning from the past… it was like the word had a very deep connection with me. It was as if someone was trying to warn me of coming danger. Like the true detective i was, i ignored the sign and plunged forward.

The door was open. I entered. There, i saw, not the girl of my dreams, but the younger sister of the girl of my dreams. (who also came in my dreams when d elder one was busy)

I suddenly realized that the younger one was way more sexier than the older one. She asked me”where did u come from?”
I pointed to my rear. Sorry, lemme rephrase that. I pointed to the way i came.
She gave me a big smile, her eyes inviting me onward into the land of the forbidden. I felt happy. The AXE deo i had stolen was coming in handy after all. She asked me if i had rubber. I thought to tell her  that i don’t run a stationary shop, then realized that she must be referring to a condom (Oh stop cringing in your seats guys!)

Anyway, on hearing those words (Would you have a rubber, please?), something stirred deep in my heart. I just remembered something, something i was doing, which was wrong. I did an about-turn, and ran out of the house at roughly the speed of light. There, i found the real girl of my dreams waiting for me with open arms.

She embraced me and said” My **** love! i knew u were not a ****, but a real ***ing lover! I ****ing love ya!”

MORAL OF THE STORY:-
ALWAYS BETTER TO KEEP CONDOMS IN THE BIKE OUTSIDE, THAN IN JEANS POCKET. U CAN AVOID BREAKUPS AND ARE SAVED FROM GETTING BEATEN UP.

PS:- Now that i think of it, i don’t think the younger sister was referring to a condom after all…

Till next tyme….

I do not feel…

Posted: July 15, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

I do not feel
The rain pouring down;
I do not feel
The wind going ’round;

I do not feel
The love in the air;
I do not feel
The happyness everywhere;

I have felt everything
there was in store…
I do not feel
Anything…
Anymore.

I do not feel
Mom’s loving kiss;
I do not feel
Dad’s unyielding bliss;

I do not feel
A girl touching my face;
I do not feel
Either pride or disgrace.

I do not feel
Even the slamming of the door…
I do not feel
Anything…
Anymore.

I do not feel
The Angel who’s watching me;
I do not feel
The bird who wants to be free;

I do not feel
The sadness of Death;
I do not feel
The warmth of any breath;

I do not feel
The Devil’s angry roar…
I do not feel
Anything…
Anymore.

I do not feel
Your love and affection;
I do not feel
The sting of rejection;

I do not feel
The joy of football;
I do not feel
Anything at all…

Maybe I’ve really become
Empty to the core…
Cos I do not feel
Anything…
Anymore.

I do not feel
A teacher’s hand to guide me;
I do not feel
A cozy house to hide me;

I do not feel
Hunger or pain;
I do not feel
love or any shame…

Don’t feel like writing
A lot more…
Cos I do not feel
Anything…
Anymore.

I do not feel
A friend’s loving smile;
I do not feel
My enemies so vile;

I do not feel
Either night or day;
I do not feel
My life slipping away…

Maybe u didn’t hear me,
I’ll tell you once more;
I do not feel
Anything…
Anymore.

I haven’t been brought up in a Christian society, and thus haven’t ever worn a Halloween costume, or gone trick or treating… so the most i’d ever heard about Halloween is what i used to see on tv, and what i’d read in books… and that wasnt pleasant!

This whole thing begun when i was a tiny tot. On tv, during those days, there was a tv manufacturing company called Onida (somewhat like Sony and Samsung now), which had this bald-headed, curve-tailed, horned devil as their mascot.  And the moment the Onida adverts used to hit the screen, i used to scoot off and hide behind me granny. (i was a scardey-kid…what can i say?)

Plus, the reading bug had bitten me pretty early, and i came across the term Halloween in some book (it was the Big Book of Tell Me Why). The definition of Halloween went somewhat like this:- A night when all the fearsome and evil spirits roam the earth once again…(my kiddie mind conjured up images of millions of Onidas swooping around in my building compound…scared the bone-marrow outta me!)

My very first tryst with horror took place during my teen years, when i chanced upon a movie from the Hellraiser series.  I was surfing the channels at around 1 o’ clock at night, when i chanced across this movie where demons are summoned to Earth from mysterious portals by cute looking, innocent girls. (i had a crush on that Kristy or Kirsten female).  At first, i was hell scared… couldn’t sleep for a couple of nights, fearing that the minute i’ll turn out the lights, a pin headed demon (who was creatively named Pinhead) would turn up and hiss “welcome to oblivion, my preciousssss!” (i have just finished watching the complete trilogy of The Lord of The Rings… so please bear with me!)

Gradually, i began enjoying the fright… Being scared silly was fun! And how i used to boast to my friends the next morning… wow! They would be awed, because the telecast of such movies was rare, as they were either banned or heavily edited and their screening was guarded;  because of the violence i guess.  India is a great country, but its censorship rules suck bigtime.

My second “date” with horror simply dropped out of the inky black sky.  I remember it as if it was yesterday. Dad had gone for one of his evening walks…(the only difference they made was to make him even angrier than before!) i was simply sitting at home, trying to study…in other words,  randomly switching the channels of the t.v., when i came across two people chained to steel pipes at opposite ends of a bathroom, with a dead body lying face down in a pool of its own blood, on the floor between them.  You guessed it, the movie was SAW, arguably one of the greatest in horror cinema,made on a shoe-string budget. Unfortunately, i had caught the movie midway, and admittedly did not understand the ending (how can you, when you have already missed certain key elements of the story?) Dad turned up around twenty five minutes before the end, and kept making his smart-alec comments… “See,Maaju… THAT GUY’S WIFE IS THE VILLAIN!!” I had to keep reminding him that it wasnt a Bollywood flick…

Anyway, i kept track of the channel (HBO… dont leave home without it! *wink*), and within a few days,  i finally saw myself sitting down with a packet of Kurkure (errr…Indian crisps… looking like misshapen penises… damn! sorry for the disgusting mental picture… Lord of The Rings effect still on!), and watching SAW from start till end. I was hooked.  I began getting my hands on all the SAW stuff i could… downloading pictures… getting that theme song… trying to download the whole movie by torrent… Horror was weaving her charm, and i was falling for her… hook, line and sinker.

I began reading stuff on the net about SAW. During my considerable wanderings, i came across two sites which helped me a lot in my quest for scary knowledge… http://www.imdb.com and http://www.wikipedia.com. I used to bunk college and visit message boards and forums, wanting to know what other people thought, actively participating in debates; declaring, expounding, arguing, fighting! And i hadnt stopped at SAW and Hellraiser.  I went onto Se7en… a movie that gripped my fancy to such an extent that i was quoting dialogs and quotations from the movie and creeping out my friends…. (imagine a skinny, crazy looking guy creep up to you and rasp in a raw,hoarse voice “sooo many corpses roll away unrevenged…”).

I simply couldn’t get enough of the horror.  The Last house on the Left(so scary that it was banned even in western countries… and its tag line was “its just a movie…its just a movie”) ; House on Haunted Hill(classic horror,awesome Marylin Manson music);  Hills have eyes(2 parts…very nauseating), Wrong Turn(again 2 parts,again nauseating), the Cube (2 released, and one unreleased part at that time…) , Hostel 1 and 2(people actually puked on the way out of theaters!), most of the Hellraiser titles(the earlier ones had this raw and old school horror, while the newer versions were crap), Hannibal Lecter titles(Gene Hackman…man or monster?), Final Destination1,2,3(u’ll be seeing “signs” everywhere), Resident Evil1,2,3 and 4 (Alice looks hotter and the Zombies look uglier with each passing sequel)…

Also many one-off horror flicks, such as Cabin Fever(Eli Roth at his “sickest”), Thirteen Ghosts(love the sarcasm in this one), Ghost Ship(watch it just for the initial scene), Sublime(You’ll have trouble dreaming anything after this one!), The Machinist(Christian Bale looks… different),Henry:Portrait of a Serial Killer(a journey into the mind of a serial killer), Razor Eaters(built somewhat on Se7en), Cannibal Holocaust (infamous because of its live animal sacrifices) Grindhouse : Planet Terror( classic Tarantino); 1408 (couldn’t stop staring at the numbers on the digital clock after watching this) … the list goes on and on and on…

And it wasn’t just the movies, i was fascinated by horror literature too(does that line sound somewhat like “it wasn’t just about the sex, we connected emotionally too!” ? it does, don’t it?)  I went after Dan Brown novels (though Harry Potter still had its charms), loved Angels and Demons, especially that Horror and Hope concept; and simply went berserk on Stephen King’s novellas… The Mist and the Dead Zone being my favorite.

But the event which actually began marking Halloween for me every year( as i’ve mentioned, we didnt get to celebrate trick or treat, or bobbing for apples, or go for costume parties) was the release of a new SAW movie.  Every year, i anxiously wait for this time of the year, when spirits abound… waiting to see what Jigsaw (or now…detective Hoffman) is upto… what his new traps would be like… and who would be his next victims.

I had simply wanted to have a few minutes rest and freedom when i had switched on the t.v. that night,long long ago…But gradually, i realized that I had found my destiny… my lady-love, horror… i relished in the misery and the agony of the victims… their shrieks and cries became music to my ears…their nightmares became my reality… their madness- my sanity.

Announcer 1:- Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and children of all ages… Welcome to the most popular blogging site of all time, wordpress!

Announcer 2:-You have put in a lotta time and effort to get ur butts down to this profile, so its our duty to make sure that u enjoy every damn minute of it.

Announcer 1:- So without further ado; lemme introduce to u-

Announcer 2:- In this corner; weighing in at a hundred and fifty pounds…

Announcer 1:- Standing at six feet tall…

Announcer 2:- The Masai Menace…

Announcer 1:- The Prince of Nyalikungu…

Announcer 2:- I bring you…

Announcer 1:- Put your hands together for…

SHORT PAUSE

Announcer 1 & Announcer 2 (together) :- MAJID M. SAGHIR!!!

!!LOUD CHEERS!!

Announcer 2:- Yes,ladies and gents, Majid Saghir, author of wonderful notes such as “In pursuit of happyness” and “Skool Daze”!!! Which will be added to the profile very soon…

!!MORE APPLAUSE!!

Announcer 1:- Born on the twenty eighth of September, nineteen eighty seven, this proud Libran shares his birth date with the beautiful…the sexy…

Announcer 2:- HILARY DUFF!!! And since nineteen eighty seven is the year of the fire rabbit…

Announcer 1:- Majid is both Fluffy and Fierce;

Announcer 2:- Cute and Commanding;

Announcer 1:- Sweet and Savage!

Announcer 2:- Bearer of various titles such as…

Announcer 1:- The STEEL MAN ;

Announcer 2:- The BAAP OF PAAP ;

Announcer 1:- and THAT BLOODY SCOUSER, Majid has been a die-hard Liverpool Football Club fan for life.

Announcer 2:- Why, one of his dearest ambitions is to take Liverpool F.C. from current coach Roy Hogdson;

Announcer 1:- And rename it as “LUCKY” Football Club! Cos, dey r gonna have to be real lucky if dey have to survive now!

Announcer2:- A good player of football himself, his favorite position is the offside or sitting-on-d-bench position.

!!LAUGHTER!!

Announcer 1:- Another of his ambitions, as a small kid, was to become a dentist.

Announcer 2:- So he played football in his building compound…

Announcer 1:- And because of his pathetic aim, created dents in most of the extra cars parked there.

Announcer 2:- So now, he is affectionately called “The Dentist”!

!!WILD APPLAUSE!!

Announcer 1:- His only dream in life is-

Announcer 2:- To have a dream in life.

Announcer 1:- Which is why he gets up late everyday.

!!MORE WILD APPLAUSE!!

Announcer 2:- Tall and dark haired; he is never seen without his trademark grin and crazy sense of humor…

Announcer 1:- Quote:- “In really dark n depressing times, it was only my sense of humor which kept me alive… a sense that God is playing some almighty joke on u, and you just have to see the funny side of it to pull through…”

TWO MINUTES SILENCE

Announcer 2:- Majid hates superficiality, lying and hypocrisy…

Announcer 1:- So it goes without saying that he loathes politicians!

!!CHEERS!!

Announcer 2:- He is a also a great lover of animals and nature.

Announcer 1:- He has to be, seeing that he grew up around people like his cousins!

 

!!ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE!!

Announcer 2:- He also is fairly decent at writing. Can write about anything on earth…

Announcer 1:- and also certain things on other planets…

Announcer 2:- His writings range from personal experiences to characterizations…

Announcer 1:- from the time he saved your life to the time he went out with your wife…

Announcer 2:- In short, his motto in life is :-“Have Ink…will write.”

Announcer 1:- “and if i ever run outta ink… will use a pencil.”

Announcer 2:- A great fan of movies… He usually prefers the mindless comedies or the mindless horror movies…

Announcer 1:- in other words… ANYTHING mindless…

Announcer 2:- He tells everyone that he thinks with his heart.

Announcer 1:- Which might be because he has no brain…

Announcer 2:- But sources tell us that he has a heart of gold…

SHORT PAUSE

Announcer 1:- I know you people expect me to say something funny and stupid like ” Rather than a heart of tissue n muscle and stuff”… But i’m serious for once.

!!HEARTFELT APPLAUSE!!

Announcer 2:- As the Wise Porky Pig says… “THAT’S ALL FOLKS!!!”

Announcer 1:- Yes…Thank you for your time and attention.

Announcer 2:- We hope your experience with Majid goes well…

Announcer 1:- And even if it doesn’t, we don’t give a damn about it!!!

!!OVER AND OUT!!